Saving Candy Crush

What may seem obvious to some can be mysterious to others. Case in point: the introduction of Western-style toilets to parts of China. It was necessary to provide pictographic instructions to be sure the new equipment was utilized properly:

Assuming you have flown on a commercial airliner ever in your life, you've had to sit through what some would consider an equally-foolish instruction set: the safety briefing. This is how you buckle your seat belt, if the plane goes down somewhere it shouldn't, find the closest exit unless said exit is under water, in which case you should go elsewhere. And of course, if the oxygen masks should drop, grab them all for yourself and don't let anyone else have one unless they pay you a lot of money before they pass out.

In years past, we passengers have had no other entertainment during the safety spiel except for the airline magazine, and SkyMall catalog, and those get old fast. But about a year ago, the FAA allowed us to have our small personal electronic devices on during take-off and landing. And so, many of us have our phones or tablets running at all times, in Airplane Mode of course, playing Candy Crush while the frustrated flight attendants drone on about the unlikely possibility of a water landing on a trans-oceanic flight.

The flight attendants are not pleased about this. From the Wall Street Journal:

Lawyers for the nation’s largest flight-attendant union argued in federal court Friday to effectively reinstate a government ban on the use of electronic devices during takeoffs and landings.

The Association of Flight Attendants-CWA is suing the Federal Aviation Administration, saying the agency notice last year that paved the way for fliers to use their devices throughout flights violated federal regulations that require passengers to stow all items during takeoffs and landings.

Justice Department lawyers representing the FAA say the agency’s guidance, which permitted fliers to keep smaller devices in their hands during all phases of flight, doesn’t violate the stowage rule because small devices aren’t governed by it. The two sides argued the case Friday to a three-judge panel with the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit. . .

Attorney Amanda Duré, who is representing the attendants union, said that since the policy change, many fliers have stopped listening to attendants’ emergency announcements and, in at least one incident, a tablet became a projectile during turbulence. The union also is concerned the devices could impede passengers’ exit from an aircraft during an emergency.

ONE tablet flew, and we have to take everyone's away. How do we know it wasn't thrown?

I have great respect for flight attendants. They don't have an easy job, and they have to deal with throngs of humanity, some of whom are more accustomed to the joys of Greyhound than The Friendly Skies. I remember the days when stewardesses (can I still use that term?) were all female, 22 years old and coiffed to the nines. This is no longer the case, for better or worse. But with the demise of "coffee, tea, or me," an element of customer service has gone by the wayside. There is at least a faint edge to the attitude of many attendants today, and downward spirals ala Alec Baldwin are not unheard of. I personally think the suit against the FAA is mostly a temper-tantrum, lashing out at the passengers who are now even more contemptuously ignoring the boring lecture that in a panic situation they would all forget anyway.

This adversarial situation does not have to continue. A little thinking outside the box, or at least inside a different box, could provide a very easy fix. It's time for the airlines to take a page from Disney's book. The Disney people know crowd control and safety better than most any other operation out there. I'm sure most of you have been to Disney World, or Disneyland, and thus you've been a passenger on Star Tours and the old Body Wars. While waiting the better part of a day for your 5 minutes on the ride, Disney entertains with various props and videos. In fact, just before boarding your StarFarter 2000, you will be shown this video:

As with comedy, it's all in the timing. . . We are all captive in the gate area while waiting to board the plane, and also while standing in line on the jetway while waiting on Ma and Pa Kettle to jam their entire life's possessions into the overhead bin. THIS is the time to show the safety video on strategically placed monitors! Make them funny, as Delta has started to do lately, and the message will get across far better than it does under the present system. Trust me and Disney, this will work!!!!

Here's one of the new Delta safety videos for your viewing pleasure:

If you think this might work, let the FAA and the airlines know your opinion. But please don't mention my name. I have some traveling to do, and I don't want to be the target of angry flight attendants. It seems they have some secret approaches to revenge:

1. Coded hand gestures
Flight attendants "employ all sorts of unofficial methods and codes" to deal with difficult fliers, reports Emma Messenger at the Daily Mail. A "subtle wag of a finger" behind someone's head means that he's lecherous and may get handsy (or worse) with the staff. To alert colleagues that a passenger is drunk, attendants cross their fingers over the hospitality cart.

2. High winds
At the end of a demanding flight, writes David Sedaris in The New Yorker, some attendants indulge in the peevish practice of "cropdusting" — silently passing wind as they walk down the aisle making their final checks. "Reclined in their seats, heads lolling to the side ... airplane passengers are prime fart targets," comments Maureen O'Connor at Gawker.

3. Dirty drinks
Ellen Simonette — author of Diary of a Dysfunctional Flight Attendant: The Queen of Sky Blog — reminisces in The New York Times about the time a colleague took revenge on a loudmouthed passenger by making him "a very special drink" in the privacy of the galley, rubbing the rim of his glass on the plane's "filthy floor" before serving it up with a "devious smile."

4. Abusing their powers
We've all seen the seat-belt sign light up in midflight, though there isn't a hint of turbulence. Blame your attendants, says the Daily Mail's Messenger, who often switch it on so they can "have a nice cup of tea and gossip in peace."

5. Starting a blog
Countless flight attendants vent about passengers by blogging anonymously. Dubai-based blogger Tampax Towers recently railed against fliers who hold up security lines by wearing metal-studded jeans, while, over at These Wings Talk, a catty account of an experience with a "One-Eyed Cyclops Passenger" makes for surprising reading.

Coffee, Tea, or Dalai?